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Sifted ... Thank you Rick for giving a context for the experience ...It was literally the smallest cry I have ever heard. It doesn’t even seem real now. There he was. Malik Sharif Bray in all his glory. 1 pound, nine ounces, four months early, as long as an action figure (think GI Joe with the kung fu grip) and not weighing much more than the 16 oz. water bottles we are all so fond of carrying around.When I saw him, I literally fainted. Smooth hit the floor. His skin was transparent. HIs eyes covered to protect them. [His chances of survival: almost as slim as he appeared to none.] But there he was. He was beautiful and strong. A fighter announcing to the world, with that small thin cry, “I AM HERE.”That was my entrance into motherhood.When I regained consciousness, I found myself being wheeled back to my room. I don’t know what I had expected. When they whisked him away the night before to take him to NICU, they told me he was small. But the fact that he had cried at 24 weeks gestation was a good thing. I think in my head, I envisioned a really tiny cherub--all fat, rosy-cheeked and cooing. What I found the next morning in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit was a very gangly, micro-premie who was an extremely serious person.Ours was a cautious relationship at first. I’ll admit it, I was scared to love him. What if he decided this plane of existence wasn’t what it was cracked up to be? What if I showed this man-child all the love and adoration I felt for him instantaneously and he decided that he liked Heaven better. I mean, who can really compete with Heaven?I was awe struck. How could someone so small, be so tough? So resilient?For the first two months that we were in the NICU, I held my breath. Every time he had a surgery, every time he forgot to remember to breath, every time he got an infection and lost weight, every time he blew another vein for the IV line and they had to stick him somewhere else, I held my breath--and withheld all the love I felt for this child. Not that I didn’t love him, I was fully invested even though I didn’t want to admit it; in case he left me.The nurses had to make me go home. Some nights they would commandeer a room for me somewhere in the hospital so that I wouldn’t have to make the long drive home after midnight. But on those nights that I would drive home alone, blinded by tears, I would be racked with guilt, fear and confusion.There were midnight hours that I sat on the shower floor, with the water running, trying to pray. But couldn’t pray. All I could get out was ‘Oh God!” I felt convicted because I couldn’t go to God in prayer. That is until my Auntie told me that my crying out unto the Lord was a prayer. That God understood what I meant, even though I had no words ...I had no words.Me, the person who had made her living as a wordsmith. Me, the person who had her own column in the Los Angeles Sentinel and in A national music magazine. Me, the person who sat by her first born’s incubator in the NICU putting together her own youth newspaper every month that he was in that tiny, hard, plastic bubble. That artificial womb.Me, the person who had always found the words found herself at a loss for them. And although I could only get out a guttural, “oh God,” I can honestly say, I never asked the Most High, “why me Lord?” I would be lying if I didn’t say that I wondered what lesson I was supposed to glean from this painstaking entrée into motherhood. This “gain two ounces, and lose three” game. But as Malik began to thrive, moving toward the coveted 4 lbs 12 oz he needed to weigh in order to be released from the hospital, I learned my lesson--which was simply to wait on God.While watching my baby develop outside of my body, I was humbled by how great God is. My journey into motherhood, although different from most, taught me that God is bigger than my words. That God is bigger than any words ever uttered and that prayer avails much. I learned that God is still performing miracles because that’s what Malik is--a miracle.Now when I look at him, and the funny, smart, handsome high school senior he has become, I truly understand that life before motherhood was a pale comparison to what my life has become after God chose me to be the vessel which harbored my childs soul. Before Malik, I was a self-centered, what about me chick. In the process of being sifted, I was beaten, separated and revealed. And my second name was given to me--nurturer!

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